So much has happened since my last post. So I guess I can summarize it...
I had an amazing experience in Des Moines. I had an amazing job that I did very well at and very much enjoyed. Yes, I did have bad days-- when people yell at you for nothing you have control over. But for the most part it was a great experience. I also had a wonderful supportive church there. Some of the people in that church really touched my life and I am incredibly thankful for them. But it all came to the point that my living situation there was extremely stressful which caused me to miss my family more and in turn made my depression get worse. I spent a week in my room... barely leaving for food... crying constantly... Finally after the urging of my sister I called my mom and asked to come home. I was in Iowa from Sept 16, 2011 till March 27, 2013. It was a little less than a year and a half but I have learned a lot more about myself from that time.
After moving back it took some adjusting... learning to live at home with my parents again, finding a job, etc. And with moving home came dealing with my depression problems and my fears of leaving home and having similar things happen. With time, a change of antidepressants, and God's help I am able to look at the potential of moving without extreme anxiety. I do know at least what God's peace regarding moving feels like, and when that happens again, I will know its time. For now... my place is here. I can tell God has a lot to teach me about not only Himself... but about myself.
About a month ago, I became very unhappy... the dynamics of my job had changed immensely, it was out of my control and I didn't see it as a positive. It didn't seem like the direction I wanted to move with my life or my career. I had gone from an Account Manager to basically a Receptionist. I missed my job at a Company that constantly recognized me for my successes and improvements. I missed my friends. I missed working with people my own age who I felt related to me. I wanted to leave. I guess that is my reaction when I don't get my way... To Run Away.
After speaking with my supervisor about my unhappiness, I took a step back to realize I was just trying to derive all of my worth from my position, my job, my standing, etc. No wonder why I was unhappy! Yes I wasn't using men to give me my worth... but I was using my job-A thing. Why do I do this? Bad habits die hard, right?
It took this to realize... life isn't always going to be what you want it to me. You may not look the best, you may not have the perfect job, you may not make the amount of money you wish you could, ... the list goes on and on. But if you are trying to base your worth on the outside, it will leave you empty and miserable. That is what I was... I was empty and miserable. God is using this time as a time of waiting for me... a time for me to draw close to Him, a time to learn how to derive my contentment from Heavenly things not earthly.
A few weeks ago, I was able to attend a benefit concert in Casper, Wyoming performed by Michael W. Smith. I was raised listening to this man's music, and so I was elated to be able to attend with my mom. The whole night I felt as though God was convicting me on one thing after another as well as telling me things I had forgotten. That He is there for me if I ask him to me. One of thing things that stood out to me was when Michael said, "You can't witness to others until you know who you are in Christ." I had never understood this before.... I have never felt like I was good enough, knowledgeable enough, etc to witness to others. All because I don't know who I am and who I am in Christ. But I guess I continue to have this fear that God will leave me... will decide I'm not good enough... but then I was reminded by a song that Michael sang that night...
"You are the anchor for my soul, You won't let go, You won't let go.." Funny thing is that on our first boat, probably when I was older grade school... we'll say maybe 5th grade. We were out boating on Lake DeSmet and my dad was getting frustrated with us.... He told me to drop the anchor... so I did just that. Needless to say that he didn't mention to attach it to the boat first. I was just doing what he said.... but I watched as the anchor, along with the line all went underwater. I am human. I let go. But God will Never let go. He is the anchor of our souls. He loves us more than we can know. He created us in His image. Its funny how you can hear something so many times and you don't get it until it hits you! I'm finally beginning to understand the depths of God's love for me... yes it has taken about 23 years (I asked God into my heart when I was 3).... but it is now finally sinking in.
About two weeks after seeing Michael W Smith perform, my mom and I went with a few ladies with special needs from her sunday school class to Gillette, WY to see Matthew West perform. If you have never seen him perform, I highly recommend it. He is so funny, relate-able, and truly has a heart for God and His people. It seemed like most of his songs spoke to my heart but a few I really needed to hear.
"Hello my name is..." Reminded me that no matter words or names people may give me or I may give myself... it is WIPED Clean by God. I am made new in Him. I am a Child of the One True King, and no one can change that or separate me from him.
"You are wonderfully made." Reminded me that God made me the way I am. He has a reason for each of my strengths and weaknesses. He painted the freckles on my face. When I insult myself, I am insulting God's handiwork. It reminded me to stop comparing myself to others and to just become the best Me I can Be. What better way can I honor God's creation than to live to the fullest of the strengths he gave me and maybe show people my weaknesses. I can only hope that the world can see the works of God on my face.
Its ironic... I have never been a strong writer... I normally hate it... but now that I start writing I find trouble stopping... I have so much more to say. Right now I have to go to bed... so maybe I will write some more tomorrow.
But as for right now... I am...
Renewing myself in Christ...
Restarting my journey on His path...
Reinventing myself to be all that Christ wants me to be.
<3, Holly Anne
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